Warning Label
by Glitara Keladry Sophia
Summary: A Janto Oneshot. That gender modification alien artifact doesn't work anyways...or does it? Post Series 2 finale. I suck at summaries.


Warning Label

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So, this story is for suchheights in the Fandom Free for All on Livejournal who requested a gender-bending Janto story. Hope you guys like it.

Disclaimer: Don't own (wish I did) don't sue.

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"I hate archiving," Jack grumbled shifting through yet another box of dusty alien machinery from the 1700's.

"It's a necessary evil," Ianto replied lightly then coughed as dust shifted off the cover of the next small metal box.

Gwen had already gone home but because of an earlier scrape involving a weevil, a mudslide, and a surprisingly vicious jellyfish-like land creature that they had yet to identify, they were too sore to participate in the usual nightly activities, or so they thought. So, when Ianto mentioned that the archives needed to be updated they decided to order pizza and do that instead.

"You'd think that even in the 1800's we could have found a way to make this process more efficient. I mean, one of these must do something helpful in the way of organizing, right?" Jack picked up something that looked like a bright green hair dryer with an assortment of odd buttons on the top, and aimed it at one of the brick walls.

"Wonder what this one does," he flashed a daring smile in Ianto's direction. Ianto reached over to the box the artifact had come out of and picked up the description card.

"Origin," he read "Unknown. Discernible Purpose: Genetic Modification."

"Huh," Jack said placing it back on the table and sneezing when it stirred the dust that had settle there.

"Here," Ianto strolled around the table plucking the pink handkerchief from his breast pocket. He reached up and used it to wipe a streak of grime off of Jack's cheekbone.

Jack grabbed the hand and kissed the back of it smoothing his lips over Ianto's soft skin. It was a sweet moment; both of them were bone tired, falling asleep where they stood with that lazy kiss. Slowly, Jack leaned down and pressed his lips to Ianto's. Ianto wrapped his left hand, still holding the handkerchief, into Jack's short brown waves of hair.

Jack reached down slowly, letting himself sink into Ianto, deepening the kiss. He pushed gently on Ianto's hip, turning Ianto so his back was to the table. He pressed himself to Ianto, who pressed back. Each man could feel the other's heartbeat pick up, their breath catching and mingling as they broke the kiss. They hovered there, eyes locked, hips pressed tightly together. Jack kept his lips an inch from Ianto's, radiating heat, a smile turning up his mouth at the corners.

"Guess we're not going to get much done tonight after all," he whispered "Or maybe we are…" still teasing he could feel Ianto shudder as he pushed him back further against the table. Jack moved closer and closer until Ianto could no longer stand it. He kissed Jack viciously, passionately. To regain control Jack pushed back trying to brace both hands on the table.

Instead he put his hand down on the handle of the "hair dryer". It rolled over in his hand and pointed to the ceiling. He accidently pushed down on the "trigger".

Jack jumped back a foot when he realized what he'd done, trying looking around to make sure that he hadn't accidentally shot anyone's ear off, leaving Ianto gasping. "What," Ianto looked confused, like he'd just been woken from the middle of a dream. "What's the matter?"

"Pulled the trigger on the damn thing," Jack said, picking up the green device and inspecting it. "But it doesn't look like it does anything anyways."

This time he purposefully aimed it at the ceiling and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. "You might want to put that on the back of the card." He suggested putting it carefully back in the box.

"Right then," Ianto agreed flipping over the card. It was only then he saw the other purpose: Gender Modification. _But it doesn't work anyways, _he told himself mentally. When he was done writing he glanced up and saw that Jack was wearing a very devilish smile.

"So, I think we're done with this for tonight,"

"Got something else in mind?"

"Oh yes," Jack turned towards the door and started to walk out. "Coming?"

"Right behind you," Ianto called, an eager grin spreading over his face as well, and quickly followed Jack out.

In fact, the gun did work, but its effects weren't as immediate as anticipated. Little did they know…

-

"Good morning!" Gwen walked into the hub cheerfully, the coffee clutched in her hand framing her face in steam.

But no one was in the main room and other than the usual background hum of machinery everything was quiet. It wasn't particularly odd. Usually if Ianto hadn't spent the night Jack was the only one there first thing in the morning. Gwen was a definite morning person. Humming to herself she walked into the conference room and was instantly surprised.

Sitting at the table was a woman. A woman wearing Jack's clothes… They were baggy on her slim frame but she wore them with ease like she did so every day. Even sitting down Gwen could see that she was abnormally tall. Honestly, she looked like a runway model.

"Um, hello" Gwen said questioningly walking to her seat and putting her coffee cup down on the table her eyes still fixed on the woman.

"Gwen," the woman's voice was surprisingly deep, though not exactly manly. She looked straight at Gwen who was wondering simultaneously how the woman knew her name and why her eyes looked so familiar.

"I'm sorry but do I know you? Are you a friend of Jack's?" In her head she added _and where the hell is Jack for that matter? _There had been way too many instances of his long lost friends and relatives showing up lately for her liking.

The woman sighed then looked down at the small shaving mirror sitting in front of her and ran her hands through her long wavy brown hair. Again there was something about that hair that struck a chord in Gwen's mind.

"So, you don't recognize me? Well, I have to admit, I think I'm even better looking like this." The woman flashed her a grin and Gwen had the craziest idea.

"Jack?" she asked tentatively staring intently at the woman, trying to picture her with Jack's features, and succeeding rather easily.

"Yep," Jack replied lifting the mirror towards his…her face.

"Oh my God, how did this happen?"

"Some alien device in the archives accidentally set it off yesterday. I didn't worry because I thought it was broken and then I woke up like this." He leaned back in his chair, gesturing at his newly pronounced chest.

"Well, what do we do now?" Gwen asked just as Ianto walked in the door carrying a few file folders.

"Good morning," he said glancing up briefly as he placed his bundle on the table "who's you're friend Gwen?" He smiled at the stranger "Hello, I'm Ianto, Ianto Jones, welcome to Torchwood."

Jack was enjoying this. "Oh, I know your name," he grinned leaning forward so his new…assets rested on the edge of the table "I think I moaned it enough times last night." He winked, letting it sink in.

"Ahhh…" Ianto stood up his face blank; but Jack could tell that there was some serious processing going on behind the façade. He came out of the daze and looked at Jack, shrugging "So, I suppose we'll have to call you Jackie now."

"Oh please don't," Jack shook his head, remembering a certain blonde's mother in a parallel universe.

"That means that the alien ray gun did work after all, yeah? I was that it said 'gender modification' but didn't think it would be_ this _extreme."

"Thanks for warning me," Jack rolled his eyes.

"Okay," Gwen decided to take charge of the situation "let's see if there's a way to turn Jackie over here back into just Jack. Ianto can you go get this…ray gun, was it? We should take a better look at it see if there are any side effects."

"No seriously don't call me that," Jack warned then rose from his chair "Oh, and Gwen?"

"Yes, Jack?"

"Do you have any shoes I can borrow? My boots don't exactly fit anymore." He grinned sheepishly and wiggled his bare toes where they stuck out from under the overlong slacks.

"Sure do you want me to get them now?"

"Yeah, that'd be good; I don't think I can chase weevils barefoot."

"Okay, I'll be right back," Gwen said and smiled knowingly before turning to go. "Don't you two have too much fun without me, now." She called back over her shoulder.

"Never," Jack replied sarcastically, and when she had left the room tripped lightly around the table to stand in front of Ianto who was in the process of trying not to stare at Jack. He hadn't kissed a girl in at least a year, had no desire too but suddenly the idea seemed increasingly appealing again.

"You're taller than me now," Jack frowned teasingly standing on tip toe his chest pressed to Ianto's. Ianto had a hard time not letting his eyes drift.

"It's okay," Jack whispered, noticing his gaze "You're allowed to look." He leaned closer and pressed a kiss to Ianto's temple.

"I can't remember the last time I kissed a girl," Ianto confessed quietly.

"Well trust me, you'll like it." With that Jack pressed a slow kiss to Ianto's lips. Ianto exhaled slightly allowing Jack to lick his bottom lip deepening the kiss.

After a few minutes, breathlessly Jack drew back. "You know," he said contemplatively "this being a woman thing, I think I like it too."

Ianto looked at him questioningly raising an eyebrow, he looked absolutely adorable. "Oh, you know you wouldn't mind." Jack teased pulling Ianto back towards him by his tie and letting out a sigh as their lips met.

-

So, what do you think? Review please!

Peace, Love,

Glitzy


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